Couples Activity Sheet

A Companion to the 4-Day Guide

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. Love your neighbor as yourself.”; Matthew 22:37–39

This sheet condenses the key activities from all four days. Use it alongside each day’s chapter, or return to it later as a quick reference.

Spouse 1:

Years Married:

Spouse 2:

Date:

Day 1: The Foundation

Jesus provides a three-dimensional framework for a healthy marriage. If any one of these is missing, the others become unstable.

☝ Vertical Love

Loving God: shaping who you are becoming in Christ. Only God can meet the needs you may be placing on your spouse.

◎ Internal Love

Knowing Yourself; honest self-awareness of your own needs, triggers, and wiring. You cannot give what you have not managed within yourself.

↔︎ Horizontal Love

Loving Your Spouse, the daily actions and words through which you express love. Inner character made visible.

Self-Reflection (Individual): Which area currently needs the most attention?

Write one sentence explaining why:

Couple Conversation (5 Minutes): Take turns answering. Listen without correcting; share without defending.

  1. “Which of these three areas feels strongest for me right now?”
  2. “Which one feels most challenging, and why?”

Identifying Internal Chaos: What is one source of stress I am currently allowing to “leak” into my marriage?

The Leading Gap: Where do I most struggle to lead my own reactions before they affect my spouse?

Day 2: Understanding Our Personality Wiring

God redeems personality; He does not erase it. Understanding your spouse’s wiring helps you stop seeing differences as character flaws and start seeing them as divine design.

Rate each trait: L = Low (opposite of trait name), M = Medium, H = High.

Trait Marriage Focus Me Spouse
Openness Flexibility vs. routine; adventure vs. stability ☐ L ☐ M ☐ H ☐ L ☐ M ☐ H
Conscientiousness Structure, planning, responsibility ☐ L ☐ M ☐ H ☐ L ☐ M ☐ H
Extraversion Energy source; talking vs. internal processing ☐ L ☐ M ☐ H ☐ L ☐ M ☐ H
Agreeableness Conflict style; peace vs. directness ☐ L ☐ M ☐ H ☐ L ☐ M ☐ H
Emotional Stability Stress response; calm vs. sensitivity ☐ L ☐ M ☐ H ☐ L ☐ M ☐ H

One trait where we are similar:

One trait that helps our marriage:

One trait difference that sometimes creates tension:

This difference usually shows up during: ☐ Conflict    ☐ Stress    ☐ Decisions    ☐ Communication

A false assumption I sometimes make about my spouse’s wiring:

Traits are tendencies, not labels. Wiring explains why something is hard; it never excuses hurting one another.

Day 3: Building Emotional Intelligence

EI is love made visible under pressure. Unlike IQ, it can grow throughout your marriage.

Work through both columns independently, then share your Growth Area with your spouse.

My EI Strength My EI Growth Area
☐ Self-awareness (Recognizing my triggers) ☐ Self-awareness (Recognizing my triggers)
☐ Self-regulation (Pausing before I react) ☐ Self-regulation (Pausing before I react)
☐ Empathy (Seeing things from your perspective) ☐ Empathy (Seeing things from your perspective)
☐ Motivation (Choosing us over being “right”) ☐ Motivation (Choosing us over being “right”)
☐ Relational Skill (Speaking so you are heard) ☐ Relational Skill (Speaking so you are heard)

Skills Discussion:

  1. Share your Growth Area with your spouse.
  2. Which EI pillar is strongest in our marriage right now?
  3. Which one would most improve our connection if practiced intentionally?
  4. Listener: offer a specific example of a time your spouse did show that skill recently.

No fixing · No defending · Only listening

Day 4: Practical Skills

How you start a conversation determines how it ends. Choose a minor, recurring frustration and take turns using the Soft Startup script.

Speaker; name the emotion, describe the situation, state a positive need:

I feel:
About what happened:
What I need right now is:

Listener; reflect back what you heard before responding:

I hear that you feel:
I understand that was hard for you. How can I help with:

“Because I love God and I understand my wiring, I commit to practicing

_____________________________ (EI Skill)

this week, especially when I feel _____________________________ (Trigger).”

Three Anchors to Carry Forward

  • Reset Phrase: “Let’s pause; I want to understand, not win.”
  • Personality Grace: “My spouse is wired differently, not wrongly.”
  • Spiritual Anchor: “Love is not just what we feel; it is who we are becoming in Christ.”